and so, its the start of spring break. it didnt start off with a bang, on the contrary, it was really quiet. its weird, cos the whole time i was in new york, this has got to be the most solitary day.

ian left for new orleans, so i had the entire apt to myself. i put on some music, then decided it was too quiet. so i watched 5 episodes of ugly betty, 2 episodes of grey's anatomy and was left with little to do since ive finished desperate housewives over the last weekend. leafing thru a few pages of kafka's metamorphosis, my heart skipped several beats when u called. i set the bk down with a sudden rush of adrenaline and joy. its so rare that there are times like this.

and i remember how this was routine, everyday, and habitual. Addictive to the core. i recall how fortunate i felt, how it was us against the world, invincible. but its different now.

playing the itunes playlist named after u, songs that we treasured, songs that u randomly picked out at hmv stores, songs that u sent me, songs that u wrote on cards and letters, i couldnt help but tumble under the stabs of memories. each dagger digging so deep into open wounds which may never heal. i stifled sobs under my sweater cos the walls are so thin im afraid the neighbors would hear. all the scenes played on an automated filmroll, dissolving like dreams in the morning. "morning sunshine" to a sun that no longer shines.

i dont know if its sadness im feeling. maybe with a dash of despair, disappointment, regret, and anger. things could have been so different, but who am i to dictate the present, or even the future? should i proceed cautiously, or embrace what happens with open arms?

faith is the substance of the things we hope for
the evidence of the things unseen
the mighty weapon used to move your mountains if u'll just believe

there are things that i no longer pray for, things that ive accepted as reality. but ill never stop praying for the faith in getting what i want, cos i know God will bring me all that he has in store for me.

u told me u were scared, but remember marx? yea, the other one. i cant take on another 4 years of limbo. im weak i admit, and im sorry.